21 Apr. 2018
Satire
Dear Mou, Geren:
The cakes that you provided for the activity is shockingly dissatisfying. The slow speed of delivering made you suspicious of outsourcing your delivery service to a slow turtle crawling in the city, taking baby steps one at a time. When the cakes finally arrived to school, it was about three in the morning. Didn’t you recognize that even the sun have to sleep during the night, not to mention sleep-demanding students like myself. The attitude of your service was unbelievably mannerless. The loud whistling noice that you made woke up every single creature in the school, even the cats who just finished their midnight party. While I visioned a nice delivery van that has air-conditioning for the cakes, your delivery almost shocked our seventy-eight-year-old teacher into heart attack in the middle of the night. The hot air that came out of the cart almost turned the winterish weather into summer. I hope you didn’t use the van to host a barbecue party before! The most important part of your service—the cakes––totally startled me. Some cakes were just fine, but most of them were overbaked. The black cover of the cakes with a bit of shiny blue color was almost saying to me “I am poisonous,” not to mention the cakes that were crushed into disgusting mud shape. The smell of the cake, or stink, I recalled, was awfully qualified for people to clear their stomach. The odor of artificial lemon juice and the thick smell of food coloring made several students threw up at the scene. It was a mess.
When you are reading this letter in your office place that is similarly revolting, I suppose, I have already submitted my complaint to the Consumer Association. Let me assure you the serious impact that this complaint can bring you: suspension of marketing, cancellation of your license, and a very, very large amount of compensation that you will pay to me. You would be in such agony that you won’t have enough energy to get to sleep. Your eyes will be filled with tears of regret and hatred toward yourself: “why did I do this in the first place,” you would complain to yourself.
But hey, don’t worry! You will be generously offered a precious opportunity to please me and make up the unpleasant past. Follow the lead of the Big Dipper, then you can relief yourself from the infinite guilt of providing undesirable service. Remake the cakes that I ordered and make sure the cakes are delivered to me in a safe and hygienic manner. Avoid delivering the food in the midnight and contact with me to schedule delivering time.
Sincerely,
Lin, Tengjui